The BEST Scrambled Eggs

You may be thinking right now, “Seriously? Do you really need to clarify how to make one of the easiest things in the world?” Yes, yes I do.

Why must I do this?

Doctor Well 1

You probably suck at making eggs, and you don’t even know it. It’s kind of like realizing after eleven years that you named your male hamster Gloria because your parents were too polite to tell you she wasn’t actually a she (rock on Gloria, who cares). I’m not that polite though when it comes
to this. It’s too easy for you to fuck up. If you like plain, and you want to do it your way, why are the hell are you here?! Make your average eggs! To everyone else, listen to me, and make them right. You’ll never go back to rubbery, tasteless, disgustingly average eggs.

I’m going to give you options. Eggs don’t have to have only salt and pepper after they’ve already been cooked. You can spice them up! Take these other tips to heart as well.



  • Get some real butter, no margarine. No offense if you like it, but it’s ABSOLUTELY awful when you cook eggs.
  • Put the butter actually IN with the eggs before you cook them. Just cut the butter into little chunks and mix it into the raw egg.
  • SOUR CREAM, the secret (or creme fraiche) to the best eggs. When your eggs are about halfway cooked, with some raw, liquidy egg left, take the pan off the burner and add a spoonful of sour cream or creme fraiche. Mix it up and then put it back on the burner to continue to cook.
    • Creme fraiche is expensive BUT IT’S SO GOOD. JUST TRY IT ONCE. You’ll never regret it
  • If you’ve browned them, you’ve gone too damn far. There’s no turning back; I’m sorry for your loss.
  • Use a saucepan to cook them instead of a frying pan. You can mix them much more easily this way.
  • Grab a rubber spatula and use that to continually mix while cooking.
  • Before you cook them, add herbs and spices to the raw eggs. Below I’ve listed some of my favorite combinations.


For each egg you cook, I recommend 1/8 tsp as your standard for each herb or spice


I can guarantee if you try adding flavor to your eggs before cooking them, every time you go out to breakfast you’ll be asking the chef for special eggs like a posh badass.

  • salt + pepper + paprika in equal quantities
  • salt + chili powder + cumin with less cumin
  • tarragon + sage + salt + extra pepper
  • red pepper flakes + oregano + salt + pepper
  • curry powder (1/4 tsp per egg) + salt + pepper (both 1/8 tsp per egg)
  • salt + cayenne + a pinch of nutmeg


Try your own! Get out there and experiment with your eggs…. okay not in that way. Come on, you know what I mean.


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