Odd Thoughts: March 8th on Don’t Waste Your Time

Obviously, since I’m posting this late at night, it appears I’m in my feels (and fair, this is true). But I’d like to stress that what I’m going to say is driven by exhaustion and frustration over a long period of time (you’re probably thinking, let’s get to the point already, dish the drama).

Don’t waste your time

I don’t pretend to be a therapist or life coach or whatever the hell people call themselves to motivate people. I want to be a relatable voice for those of us that feel like “yeah, I really don’t want waste another damn moment doing [ insert dumb crap here ].” I hear you 100%.

SOOOO….Isn’t that one of the hardest things to do though? ABSOLUTELY. If you’ve ever sat there on your phone for a disgusting amount of time watching slime videos on Instagram or in a store only to come out with not a single item purchased (me… all the time, just the essence of past me), then please listen. To every other perfect being out there, I guess just read and laugh at my misfortunes and idiocracy.

Your time is so valuable, and some of you reading this are worth so much more than what you are valuing your time on this earth to be. Let me just give you a few examples please from my life…

One of the most important experiences of my life was my time in Honduras. I wasted my time by not taking advantage of a lot of opportunities there that I still regret.

MISSED EXPERIENCES

At the beginning of 2017, I went to Honduras (shocking right? I never stfu about Spain, but I’ve been to other places). Before leaving, I had a string of bad things happen at home that soured my mood, but also made me feel more confused in my life than I had been in a long time. I was only in the country for two weeks, building a school for children who needed access to education in their village. Instead of hanging out with the countless people from my school that came on the trip with me, I retracted from social surroundings and generally didn’t act like myself. I spent a lot of time alone, or messaging people from home (love you mom, thanks for listening to me complain all the time). It was one of my biggest regrets; it was situational, but I wasted my valuable time where I could have made life-long friends. I didn’t push myself to think about the ephemeral nature of the trip and experience. I’m not saying people who are introverted should feel bad about not taking advantage of social encounters by the way. Whatever you find that makes you happy, that’s how you should spend your time! Here though, I was so unhappy with how I retracted, and I’m still saddened by it.

DUMB DATING

Yes, I was hit on by Darth Vader. No digits though 😥

I had a Tinder a little while back (OH NO HERE WE GO). It was a pretty impressive profile, not going to lie of hype it but I thought I was killing it. Anyway, I would sit there for (god only knows how long, but very long) long periods of time, just swiping, sometimes laughing, sometimes on the verge of giving up on humanity from the responses I would get. At first, it was just fun, and I went on a few interesting (aka shitty) dates. There were a few times when I genuinely thought I liked a guy, only to be ghosted or realize their online persona was so far from reality they might as well have just been an imaginary friend I made up. I kept going though. WHY? I was bored. I began valuing my time as SO MUCH LESS than it’s worth.

 

 

GIVING TOO MUCH

Even if you don’t know me, you may be able to tell how “extra” I am from my blog, meaning I am an extremes kind of person. I love enthusiasm, when people are incredibly into something and they aren’t afraid to show it. A part of me is romantic in this sense, because I also participate in this deep loving of ideas, as well as culture, but also people. I find myself falling in love with peoples’ personalities and ways in which they live their lives quite quickly, forming deep connections with friends who feel the same way. On the other hand though, the connections sometimes are deep to me, but shallow to the opposing parties. It’s as if I’m acting as a best friend or a girlfriend, when in reality the other person will never reciprocate in this same way. In those situations, I’ll always give more than I’ll ever receive, leading to a feeling of stupidity, even a broken heart in rare cases. I don’t regret being a hopeless romantic, basically Hozier in Someone New, but I think it’s a huge waste of my time to give so much for so little, if anything, in return.

SOOOOOOO….

I’m a very passionate person, about a lot of (I think) very interesting things. There were so many other, productive AND life-fulfilling things I could have been doing. I’m not saying every moment of my life needs to be like that, but I wasn’t happy! None of that stupid time spent made me calmer or happier, or even less bored. And in regards to the first story in Honduras, I was unhappy, and I wasted my time by just continuing to be unhappy when I could have pushed myself to find that contentment.

So I guess what I’m saying is, if it’s not making you happy, and it’s not worth your time, ask yourself “Why the f*ck am I doing this?” Tell yourself not to waste your damn time. You don’t have to be one of those crazy, extreme people who live on the edge of life and always feel like they need to be happy and enjoy EVERYTHING.

HOW TO NOT WASTE YOUR DAMN TIME

  • I heard this idea recently on The Daily podcast by the New York Times (link here, listen to March 6th, 2018). Make a list of things that you like in your life, that make you happy. Then, make a list on the same sheet of paper of the things you hate that you are doing. Now, the hard part… Write what you’re going to do about it. If you have a passion or purpose, dive deeper into it. Lost and confused? Find some purpose, something that you can do to make this world (or even just your world) a better place. Volunteer at a local food bank, advocate for an issue by calling your elected officials, make a plan to eat healthier and more sustainably (shameless plug for my recipes). The most important thing you can do is recognize what it is that needs to change.
  • Delete your social media from your phone for a week. LET ME TELL YOU, this worked for me 1509348%, because I was fully aware of my addiction to Snapchat and Instagram and dumb ass Facebook stories. It all was a waste of my damn time. Make sure to list though what you’ll do with that free time you now have without social media. Will you read a book? Do homework? Practice learning a new language?! Possibilities are endless my loves.

You may not need ANY of this advice, and who am I to be giving it? Honestly, I’m just a senior about to graduate from college without a clue what to do. I just want you to know that there’s someone you can relate to, there are solutions to your problems, and you don’t need to be a sophisticated adult to figure this shit out.

Some bonus savageness for those of you that kept reading till the end 😉

A Letter to My Best Friend: Holly, I Miss You

Yes. I am supposed to be a food blogger, but I have rarely been talking about food lately.

Yes. I am writing this instead of doing my homework.

And yes. We haven’t talked in a long time Holly. I’ve been really busy, and I bet you have been as well. I hope your grandma is doing well and I hate you because it’s cold here and you’re probably on the beach half the time (or running away from alligators and trump supporters because isn’t that the entirety of Florida?) It’s been a long time since the moment I thought of writing this to actually getting around to it, but here it goes.

I miss you

I don’t mean to make this about me, but you are about the most constant thing in my life and I miss you all the time. When I was made fun of in middle school by my other friends, you stayed by my side no matter how fucking weird I was (and still am). We walked to Tratorias (a local pizza shop where the owner definitely thought we were a lesbian couple, nothing wrong with that) to eat and do homework every day of our sophomore year. The two of us got into Harry Potter WAY later than everyone else, and you put up with me never shutting the fuck up about Spain the first time I went. We went through many spirit weeks, homecomings, proms, parties, and reaaalllllyyyyy strange nights bumping Juicy-J in the car while driving around doing nothing (what can you really do in the suburbs at 17 years old).

Do you remember when we used to watch Doctor Who all night, get milkshakes, or when we used to *play* soccer on the football field and pretend like we were staring in the World Cup? Or when we would spend hours in the library at our community college messaging each other stupid photos on Facebook instead of actually doing work?  What about the days we would hike and nearly get lost and die except we were probably only 10 minutes away from home? How about Halloween when we dressed up together as literally the same person? (If you haven’t watched Doctor Who, gtfo, get woke, and read this all over again)

I’m being too nostalgic, I know. I’m like an old woman recounting her good days to her house full of cats (totally not my future….)

I know I disappoint you because I make bad decisions; kiss boys I shouldn’t, and tell awful jokes that make you cringe every time. I realize I should make an effort more to actually tell you this in person but here it is right now (and I can’t make any promises to do anything on time, you know who I am as a person and it’s just not possible).

Things haven’t necessarily been easy, and you know that. My home, my college, friends, boyfriends, area of study, career choice, plans in life in general, understanding of the universe?!?! , my writing ability (whattttt) have all changed; hopefully for the better. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve changed completely over, maybe even a few times. I wish you were here right now so I could tell you all about how my life got twist turned upside down….. no? not funny?  Honestly, I can never tell if the change is for the better until I see you. It’s quite possible you feel the same way. Life is funny that way, but I will tell you one thing;

I will never change so much to the point where you’re not my best friend. It’s just not possible.

I have never met anyone so brave, unique, and honest to who she is as a person, and no matter how we both change, I’ll respect you forever because of it. Not only that, but you’re just an amazingly understanding and patient person. You’ve been there for me through some of the most difficult times in my life and made me feel like there was a future when it seemed like there was nothing but darkness. I love you Holly and sometimes I wish we were both born liking vagina because we would be perfect wives together, but I’m so happy to have you as my best friend.

Please come home soon.

Odd Thoughts: September 17th on Openness

Ok, first off, what the hell does openness mean? Because I’m currently taking a class taught by Martin O’Malley, former Governor of Maryland, and he keeps saying this word like every five minutes when talking about leaders. I must be an A-MAZING leader because it was brought to my attention lately that I share A LOT on here. The actual phrasing was “you overshare your shit Megan”

Fair.

I used to be very closed off though, unwilling to tell anyone about all the times I’ve waved at someone, thinking they were waving at me, and then realizing they were looking at someone behind me. Or how about all the times I’ve set off the smoke detector cooking dinner for a date? and then falling off a chair trying to turn off said smoke detector? (None of these happened obviously, purely hypothetical….)

In all seriousness, I’ve become a open person in my life after entering college, breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, and going through a lot of family hardships. It has a lot to do with wanting others to not feel alone, but also with being comfortable with myself, which again, I wasn’t previously.

I know what it feels like to not have anyone to talk or relate to when it comes to how depression, anxiety, addiction, and lack of self-confidence can affect my life inside and out. It fucking sucks. When there’s no support system for you to lean on, life can feel unbearable. You don’t want to get out of bed maybe, without the ability to focus on even the most important things to you. It feels like you are constantly at a shitty frat party; no one can hear you trying to speak and a lot of dumb shit is happening around you.

That’s why I write this blog the way I do. I don’t necessarily talk about these darker topics of my life and the ones around me, because, to be honest, it’s not what I want to define me. But I will be incredibly honest and tell you about everything else. I’ll tell you how much of a human mistake I can possibly be on a daily basis because I’m ok with it. It’s alright to be a mess sometimes (or all the time in my case) and have issues. I am not alone in this and neither are you.

So yeah, I overshare. You  probably don’t need to know about the time I had to explain what tampons were to my host father in Spanish, or the never ending short romances of my life. I’d like to think though that these experiences of mine are relatable, and if not, at least funny. I’ll keep oversharing for you all, starting with my posts about friend dates this week woooo

Odd Thoughts: August 25th on Settling

You can totally disagree me with me, but why would you? What I’m about to say makes complete sense, at least to me…. Oh no, I guess there’s the possibility then that you’ll think I’m totally crazy, coocoo for cocoa puffs even.

Don’t settle. You deserve the very damn best and if that’s not what you’re getting, fucking get it.

Now I know this is coming from privilege, the young, relatively attractive girl with brown hair and blue eyes and a somewhat financially secure family, but I think it should apply to everyone; not neo-nazi’s of course but it looks like they are getting everything they fucking want with from this president (actually crying tho). No matter what you look like or how you live your life, you shouldn’t have to settle.

“Where is this coming from Megan?”

After talking with my parents, grandparents, going on shitty tinder dates, making compromises just to make my life easier, I realized I know too many people, including myself, that don’t get what they want or do exactly what they want to do. I understand that life gets in the way. Things get difficult; I know that better than anyone. For your sake and mine though, don’t give up.

I am insanely passionate about cooking, but obviously not enough. Two years ago, I was about to drop out of school and go to the Culinary Institute of America to become a chef. That was the only career I had ever consistently wanted to do (besides becoming a Pixar animator but I’m an awful artist and no one had the heart to tell me). Instead, I stayed at the University of Maryland. Where boyfriend of four years was. Where everything was comfortable. Where it made financial sense to stay. Where I was secure. I talked myself out of one of my only dreams for a future that now doesn’t exist (I thought I was going to get married to that guy but as you can tell from earlier, I’m going on tinder dates soooo.).

This is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I’m a senior at UMD now, about to get a degree in something I love. There are few complaints I have about my amazing, messy life and all the amazing friends I have, but I will always wonder what it would have been like to  follow my dream and say “fuck it” to everyone else.

And then I mean, there’s settling in relationships. That has always led to troubles, and usually they were unsolvable. I just want to rant at this point and it doesn’t solely have to do with my own experiences:

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re dating someone and they are always on their phone around you, but can never answer your damn texts, you deserve better. If that person says fucked up shit, you’re too good for them! Move on. If they don’t take your views or thoughts seriously, dump them. If you find yourself always asking the questions and never being asked anything in return, it’s a goddamn long term interview that needs to end without a job offer. If they seem sweet, then ghost you after you hook up, don’t you dare chase after them. If you feel something is off but you’re still trying to make it work, don’t settle.

I’m no expert on dating or relationships, but I know this to be true; you deserve so much more than these people have to offer.

And there are so many other things other than relationships that you shouldn’t settle on. Go out and get your dream car someday. Backpack around Europe if that’s your dream! Have five babies and a big house one day if that is what you truly yearn for. It’s SOOO much easier said than done but you know what’s not easy?

Getting to the end of your life, being in a marriage you don’t want to be in, driving a car you hate to a job you despise, remembering all the things you wish you did and probably could have done.

I’m not doing that shit.

Odd Thoughts: August 9th

Have you ever gone to a party or an event with your friend and felt a little uncomfortable, probably because it’s actually your friend who was invited, or maybe it’s because it’s all of her friends? Or maybe it’s just that you’re not vibing with the atmosphere. The air is thick with a sense of unwelcomeness. It’s nothing personal or anything against you. It is the way that it is, and you are the way you are.

I think that best describes how I feel all the time after returning home. After spending roughly 8 weeks abroad, I don’t feel the same comfort and ease in the United States as I once did. I used to be homesick, only just a little, during my time in Spain but now…. now I have this strange reverse homesickness. I feel like a puzzle after a child has ripped out a few pieces with the potential of them never returning.

Deep right? and oh so melancholy. That’s life though, and that’s what traveling can do to you. As I sit here typing this I’m filled with sadness and indecision. My entire life changed and then changed again, but not for the better. I miss the long lunches at 2 o’clock with my Spanish family, the late nights with my friends and watching the sunrise the next morning because we stayed out too late (it was never TOO late to party in Spain to be honest). I miss walking everywhere I went and spending the majority of my time outside. I miss watching Rick and Morty in Spanish, and then promptly in English because it was too fucking weird for me and listening to my friend Javier play the piano. I miss it all, and I can’t have those times back, but I’m sitting here waiting to make more memories next semester.

They say you don’t know the water you’re swimming in till you’re out of it. I’ve never thought a statement so true in my life.

Odd Thoughts: June 12th in Madrid

Have you ever been anywhere and felt immediately at home? For some people it’s in a best friend’s house or the library during finals week (just kidding, that’s just being surrounded by suffering). I recently had that sensation in Madrid this weekend, and on May 30th when I first arrived.

I’m a little bit of a romantic at times so I thought maybe it’s just the beautiful architecture or the antiquity of it all. All the monuments, gardens, and museums let you take a step back in time for even just a brief moment and enjoy something people did hundreds of years ago. Taking a walk at night is supposed to scare the crap out of me as a woman, right? (Still sort of did a little) But Madrid at night is so beautiful and strange at the same time. I could walk for hours, looking into the bustling cafes and bars. Watching the drunken Spaniards ramble on about politics and how Spain’s economy is going to shit.

After laughing to the point that I almost pissed myself today, I realized it wasn’t just the city. It’s the people. That feeling of belonging I get being in this city is because I’ve met so many amazing people, both from Spain and elsewhere. I laugh with them and have had amazing times but also it seems like they all give a shit about something; they all are real people with dreams and plans and interesting lives. I think, more or less, that’s literally everyone in the world right? Everyone has a story, and a life worth living. Not everyone gives a shit about something worth giving a shit about though. For the most part, they did. It was always something inspiring because to them, life is too short. What wonderful human beings honestly. Just sharing their lives and perspectives was enough to make me want to stay. I feel so welcome because they genuinely are welcoming me into a part of their lives, even for a day or two.

I think it also has to do with a common acceptance of the fact that people have different perspectives and live their lives the way they want to. People are more than meets the eye. Everyone has a story to be told. Again, I’m a romantic so what the fuck do I know? I just finished reading the book A Man Called Ove yesterday, crying my eyes out in the gardens next to the Palace here. I highly recommend it; the book had a lot to do with understanding there is much more to someone than what we first see.

Back to Madrid. Now, of course that’s not everyone. I’ve met people who nearly knocked me over on the street. I’ve been ripped off by bartenders and cheated by hostels, but I still truly believe for the most part that this city is just full of people worth knowing and getting to know.

And how could I not talk about the food?!?! That’s for later posts mis amores.

The culture though. The way people live their lives here is so much slower than the U.S (which sometimes has me nearly screaming obscenities at people walking as slow as possible when I’m trying to get somewhere). I love it though, and I think this is how I’d like to live my life. Maybe it’s because I’m always late everywhere I go, or maybe it’s because I can no longer see the point in racing through life without trying to enjoy every bit of it that I can.

Maybe it’s not Madrid that I love, but the new way of life I’ve discovered here with these amazing people. I think, more or less, it’s both.

I wish I could stay, but a story must end at the right time on the right note. So for now, hasta luego!
*BTW I almost pissed myself laughing because I came across my friend cutting his pizza with scissors. Think outside the box my friends.